i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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