You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
