the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
