Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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