Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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