im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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