Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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