I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
