Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Houston, we have a blender
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
