At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
