its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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