First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
