I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
