i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
