They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
