i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
