Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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