I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
