Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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