Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
