highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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