drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
two words...techno handjob
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
