She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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