Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
