i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
