my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
