I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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