I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
