Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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