Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
