8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
im holly from the hills drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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