I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
