The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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