Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
