I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
