I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
