I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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