just come out here and I will go home with you...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
