Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
A+ Viking dick
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
