I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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