New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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