I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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