the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I look excited, but its just a facade.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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