her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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