I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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