I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
