I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
