Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
