I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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