I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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