I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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