I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he was CRYING into my vagina
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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